Does the T Stand for Texas?

We are home and healthy! Well, physically, at least. Everyone is fully recovered from our bout of covid, thank goodness.

Psychologically, however, I have not been well.

When we were in the Pacific North West, I had zero symptoms of complex PTSD. Yes, I had a fever of 103, and of course that wasn't fun, but in terms of mental health, I felt better than I have in years. The children were still the children (as they say, a vacation with kids is really just parenting in a different location!), but their meltdowns didn't affect me in the same way as they so often do here; I could once again take everything in stride, co-regulating them from a place of internal steadiness, knowing we would get through these big feelings together and that the moment wouldn't last forever. I had energy for outings and grocery shopping and cooking dinner, all in the same day! Usually, I need to monitor my energy so closely just to get through the day. In the neurodiversity space, you often hear people talk about spoon theory; when we were away, it was like all of a sudden I had an abundance of spoons, when I at home I am down to one or two. My mind felt clear. I felt at peace. I felt like myself. My husband joked, "Does the T in your PTSD stand for Texas, because you seem perfectly fine here!" He was right!

When we returned to Texas, I felt a veil of fog descending over my brain within hours. It was eerie and disconcerting. Transitions are always hard, and E was dysregulated the night we got home. Even though I expected a difficult transition, in the moment, I couldn't handle it. I felt numb. Incapable. All I could do was crawl under the covers, rolled up into a ball to protect myself from his kicks and jabs, wanting just to go to sleep. "Waaah! I'm upset. Mummy be awake!" He needed me, but being there for him felt too hard. I hate that feeling.

The first few days when we got home were very hard for me. My auditory hallucinations returned (this time in absence of sleep deprivation), as did the vague but inescapable feeling of general malaise; my head hurt, my muscles hurt, I felt nauseaus and off. My body went back to its hypervigilant state where a playful pillow toss from my husband or a foam sword swipe from E would make me jump and scream. Honestly, having felt so much better for a few weeks, the return of the overwhelming symptoms of PTSD felt even worse. It was a familiarity I did not want to feel.

Obviously, my body needed the rest and the break that our vacation offered, even more than I realized. I probably need those rest breaks more often, far away from the environment that triggers me, even though financially and logistically that is hard. My body needs to remember what it feels like to be regulated, so that stability once again becomes my default state, instead of the never ending hypervigilance. I'm glad I had the experience I did to feel better while we were away; at least I know now that it is possible for my brain and my body to get back to that space of feeling calm and capable. That is how I want to feel. So how do I get there?

My husband suggested they just leave me in Washington state (do you get a sense of his sense of humour yet?!). Away from home, away from the triggers of living in the site of our crisis, would I just be healed forever? Who knows. It was a tempting fantasy, that's for sure.

But it's just a fantasy. We live here. In Texas. This is our life. So, I need to create what I need here in order to heal and thrive. Bloom where you're planted, as they say.

It's time to bloom here, otherwise I fear I might just wither away. I need a purpose, I need a community, I need to feel like I am making a difference to the world outside of my children and my home. Caregiving is meaningful, integral work, but it's not enough for me anymore. So, I have big plans! I want to create a brick and mortar space that is a self-directed learning hub for local homeschooling and unschooling families. The model exists in other places around the states, and around the globe, sometimes they are called agile learning centers or unschooling resource centers. Creating a similar space here bas been a little bud of an idea in the back of my mind for a while, but now feels like the right time to move forward!